I grew up in a small farming town in Utah not far from Salt
Lake City. My entire family, both
immediate and extended, are Mormon or were at least raised as such. In school, I can remember knowing only a
handful of people that weren’t Mormon. Being
Mormon was the norm, the status quo.
Being raised Mormon, you are taught very strict principles and morals
that govern your life. I cherish all of
the lessons I was taught to this day by my incredible parents, who did an
excellent job in raising their children according to their beliefs. In the Mormon church you are also taught what
your life as a Mormon will entail, down to the timing and place. Everything is basically planned out for you,
like a road map to happiness; and I tried my best to follow that map every day
for 25 years. Unfortunately, it
didn’t lead to happiness for me.
The first time I can remember realizing something was not
normal was in 4th grade. All
I knew was that I was different and that I could never tell ANYONE. Somehow I understood that this was going to
be my lifelong shameful secret. As I
grew up, I kept it deep inside, somewhere where I never had to deal with it or
acknowledge its existence. I followed
the Mormon life map the best I could – church every Sunday, church callings,
attendance at activities, reading my scriptures, and planning for preparing
myself for a mission and temple marriage.
When I hit puberty, I did what was expected and started to show
interest in the opposite sex. I dated
girls, had girlfriends, went to school dances, and even kissed girls. I was playing the role perfectly. But I hadn’t dealt with my shameful secret
yet, because I was just being a kid. I
didn’t have to.
When I graduated high school, I continued on the Mormon path and
went to Brigham Young University, the private Mormon university. While I was there and away from home, I began
to find myself. I didn’t like what I
found. I was preparing to serve a
mission for the Mormon church and, being a planner, couldn’t help but think
about what was to come next on my Mormon path – temple marriage. The more I thought about it, the more my
shameful secret started to rear its ugly head, like a terrible festering disease
that was wedging its way between me and my hopes for happiness. Through some of those dark times, I confided
in a few close friends that I new wouldn’t judge me. They know who they are and I want them to
know that in those darkest of times, they truly saved my life.
I found the strength in myself to commit to serving a 2 year
Mormon mission, with the misguided notion that maybe if I served faithfully and
with my whole heart, God would fix me.
So I did just that – I served a full time mission in McAllen, Texas and
I threw my whole heart and soul into my work. I may have been the most annoying missionary
for my companions, hoping that if I followed every rule and guideline to the T,
I would be worthy of God fixing me. After
returning home from my mission, I quickly realized that this wasn’t the case,
and I mourned. Reality began to set it,
and it hurt. Not ready to give up on my
dreams for happiness yet, I began to form a plan in my mind. I was going to find a woman that I could
confide in – that I could tell me secret shame and wouldn’t hate me for
it. I was going to marry that woman and
she was going to be okay with it. She
was going to be okay with knowing that I wasn’t attracted to her, that she
could’ve been with someone who wanted her wholly, that I was making this work
for the sake of religion and social pressures, but that I could never love her the way she
deserved.
One summer while taking a break from BYU, I went to Arizona
to work for the summer months. I was
having an especially difficult time reconciling my beliefs with who/what I was,
so I decided to call a close friend that I had confided my secret in prior to
my mission. I asked her frankly, “If we
were dating or engaged and I told you that I was gay, but that I wanted to
marry you anyway, would you?” Her answer
was honest, but cutting. She told me
that although she would probably love me, she didn’t know if she would be able
to go through with it. She talked about
being worried that I might one day leave her and potentially any children
involved, or that I wouldn’t ever really love her.
Her words confirmed my fears – my plan wouldn’t work.
This was the beginning of my downward spiral. I continued to try and date girls, forcing
and willing it with all I had to make it work, but I began to become bitter and
angry. I was angry that God would make
me this way, that he would curse me. I
was bitter that I had to be the one to endure this. I asked the question that so many of us have
asked in the face of adversity: Why me?
I considered my options in my head countless times. To stay in the church, I either had to decide
to be alone and live a life of celibacy, or live a lie with a wife that would
never know. The more I thought about
them, the bleaker my options seemed. I
ran them over and over in my head, spiraling further and further into
depression and self-loathing. I hated
who I was, what I was, and felt powerless to change it. I talked to my bishops, I sought advice from
other church leaders, but to no avail.
Finally at the lowest of the low, I saw a way out. I knew it would hurt the people I loved, but it
would save them from knowing who/what I really was. The only logical escape was to take my own
life. I contemplated it and mulled it
over for a few months until I finally mustered up the guts to attempt it. I won’t divulge the unnecessary details, but
obviously I was unsuccessful. After that
terrible night, I knew that something had to change. My Mormon path to happiness was not leading
to happiness, and either I was going to be successful on my next attempt, or
things were going to have to change.
I stuck out my last year at BYU and after graduating and
moving to Salt Lake City to attend the University of Utah, I decided to go on my own personal quest
for happiness. I had dropped my bitterness
and anger with God and was on an honest search for personal happiness. I stopped going to church and began to allow
myself to meet people I was drawn to. I
began to meet and date men – one somewhat seriously, until I finally met my now
husband in October of 2011. I still
vividly remember our first date – it was amazing. I had dated countless girls and attempted to
make it work countless times. But now
something was different; it was effortless.
It was natural. He made me laugh,
he made me happy, he calmed my overbearing OCD, he brought out my creative
side, he revitalized my love for music, and most importantly, he rekindled my love
for life. I thought to myself, “This
must be what people talk about. This is
what everyone is looking for.” I was
blissfully happy, and it has only gotten better since. We were married on August 14th,
2013 in Beverly Hills, California and it was the best day of my life. Since then, life has only gotten better and better every day, in the deepest soul-fulfilling ways.
Why do I tell you my story?
Because I want you to understand where I came from. I was once Mormon and very committed to my
faith. I believed everything that you
do, and once said the exact same things that you are about homosexuals and
their “agenda.” I even remember once,
right after I returned from my mission, saying in regards to gay marriage,
“Gays can live their lives how they want, but don’t force me else to tell
them it’s okay. That’s why they’re
pushing this agenda, they want the world to reassure them it’s okay to live in sin!” I was once on your side of the fence.
Now that I’m on the other side of the fence, let me clear up
a few things. We (the LGBT community)
are not looking for approval. We’re not
looking for a moral pass. We’re not
trying to force you to tell us that it’s okay or that you support us. We’re not trying to force you to change your
beliefs or renounce your religion. We’re
not trying to make your religion accept us or start performing gay marriages
for fear of losing their right to perform legal marriages, which, by the way, will never
happen. We, most of us through a long
and bumpy road, have found self-acceptance and are okay with who/what we
are. What we DO want is our rights. We are tax-paying, law-abiding citizens of
this country and state and we are entitled to the same benefits you are.
Some are angry that several laws regarding same sex marriage put in place by the popular vote of the people have been overturned by judges, and are calling it “liberals legislating from the bench.” But consider this: if a law were put in place by the popular vote of the people in the Deep South taking away the right of African Americans to vote, would it be in the right of a judge to come along and deem said law unconstitutional? The answer is YES! Because by popular vote or not, citizens cannot create laws that take away the rights of other citizens. Our rights are protected by the constitution, that’s what makes America so great.
Now let me speak for myself.
I am an educated, law-abiding, tax-paying, contributing member of this
society. I am also a man. And I love a man. And we are happier than we have ever been and
want to have a family together. I don’t
care if you think this is wrong or immoral.
You are entitled to that opinion.
But don’t think you are justified in withholding rights from me based on
that belief. This is a question of legal
human rights. If you have the right to
marry another consenting adult and have that relationship protected by law,
then so do I.
Having said all that, let me tell you that I love you
all. All I want is to live in a world
where we practice tolerance and coexist peacefully, despite our
differences. Try to put yourselves in
our shoes. We don’t have to agree to
coexist. But we do have to respect one
another.
